I'm a humor writer, so I don't always present myself in the best light.

I believe that I have such a vanilla life.

I still believe in the Holy Trinity, except now it's Target, Trader Joe's, and IKEA.

I'm the person who says every single thing she thinks, sometimes to others' amusement, and almost always to my detriment.

No matter how happy anyone is with their choices, I believe it's human nature to wonder about the path not taken.

As a reader, I notice political views regardless of whether or not the book is fiction. What annoys me is when said views do nothing to advance the narrative.

In real life, I tend to yell at people a lot. Not because I'm bossy or mean, but because I'm frustrated.

I don't mean to get all religious here, but I'm pretty sure key lime martinis (with a graham cracker & sugar rim) are proof that Jesus loves us.

Fortunately, all it takes for us to be of one mind is some buttercream frosting.

For the record? I have never been her baby. In fact, I reject the notion of coming out of her body. I prefer to believe I was hatched, or perhaps purchased.

Ambien might have mentally just tossed my salad. WITH CROUTONS.

A live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there's no discernible difference. Life and death are unquantifiable abstracts. Why should I be concerned?

We can only recreate ourselves with renewal of our mind.

Sometimes when I'm writing, I wonder if the words have a mind of their own, and if they're really just using me as a puppet to manifest themselves.

The sweet simplicity of the three percents.

Any unity which doesn't have its origin in the multitudes is tyranny.

If, as Emerson wrote, every word was once an idea, every cliché was once a revelation.

Tribulations cannot cease until God either sees us remade or sees that our remaking is now hopeless.

Civilization is the intelligent management of human emotions.

A player you can buy in 24 hours, believe me. That's not a problem

Home is not where you were born; home is where all your attempts to escape cease.