I'm a joke comic. I tell jokes.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Serenity within the chaos of life is there to be discovered, just look within yourself for it.

I see that the culture that is prevalent right now in Nigeria and indeed Africa is the culture of GET RICH QUICK.

Admonish your friends privately but praise them openly.

For truth has such a face and such a mien As to be lov'd needs only to be seen.

There's nothing like having a sympathetic reader who asks the right questions, who understands what you're trying to achieve and only wants to make it better.

[A]ny desired additional nicotine 'kick' could be easily obtained through pH regulation.

Absorb ideas from every source.

A woman would rather visit her own grave than the place where she has been young and beautiful after she is aged and ugly.

Outside of show business, I live a normal life.

Everything Jack says is to be taken with considerable reserve.