I'm a late-night guy.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

Functional societies need algorithms which reward us for being of service to those who need it most. Instead we have algorithms which reward us for being of service to those who need it least

Real life often ends badly, like our marriage did, Pat. And literature tries to document this reality, while showing us it is still possible for people to endure nobly.

In the Balkans the peasants say that if you long for faraway countries and leave your own land and home to find them, you are born under A LILAC-BLEEDING STAR.

Capitalism has neither the capacity, nor the morality, nor the ethics to solve the problems of poverty.

I want to be where there are out and out pagans.

Whether your destination is heaven or hell, you always have to change planes in Dallas.

Music isn't just for professionals. We delegate all of our music and our dancing and our art to professionals. It's silly. We should be doing our own dancing and drawing.

The biggest review of taxation ever undertaken in this country, is now dead in the water.

How about this?" I said, because now it was the principle of the thing. "I'm sorry, jackass.

In the next life you will be working with those attitudes that are now yours.