I'm a professional comic. Whether you think I'm funny or not, that's, again, subjective.

I love doing stuff with Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin. We give the stage to good bands and funny people.

Occasionally I'll watch Fox News for as long as I can tolerate it, or CNN. I'll watch until I get infuriated, but you got to know what they're talking about and what they're not talking about.

I like pot, I enjoy pot, I like to smoke it. But, the one thing I don't like about pot is the subculture it's spawned. I think it's embarrassing and really juvenile and uncreative

You cannot win a War on Terrorism. It's like having a war on jealousy.

Sketches have characters, exits, entrances and are vastly different.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

I hate bumper stickers, you can't sum anything up. All you do is paint yourself in some caricaturist corner.

The Bible is the funniest book I have ever read. It's so funny! Right in the first six pages, it's funny!

The South has more of a disproportionate amount of irony on T-shirts than any other region in the country.

I went to a bunch of marches in New York and Washington, and you know I believe in the cause, but to march with those people takes a lot of compromise on my end.

Secrets aren't secret. They're just hidden treasures, waiting to be exploited.

Out of one hundred random thoughts that pass through your mind, ninety-five are your brain's indirect responses (positive & negative) to what you believe others think of you.

There is a cliche that men want their women to be ladies in public and hookers behind closed doors. I want my woman to be the sharper image robot so that she can be turned off.

God doesn't want us to be happy when it causes us to do something wrong or unwise

I have never ceased to rejoice that God has appointed me to such an office.

No more pronouncements on lousy verse. No more hidden competition. No more struggling not to be a square.

Be not too thick with anybody; your joys will be fewer, and so will pains.

Politics was my hobby, and I really spent 25 years as a full-time homemaker. I tell the feminists the only person's permission I had to get was my husband's.

If we go on using the Earth uncaringly and without replenishing it, then we are just greedy consumers.

The joy is in creating, not maintaining.