I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Truth is much like fire. Hard to understand, ever-changing.

When you allow your past to define your present, you’re setting yourself up for future disaster.

The day of reckoning is not just coming for Saddam Hussein. It's coming for the anti-war movement.

No one ever attains success by simply doing what is required of him.

I just know keeping track of what I'm doing and where I'm going is important to me.

I'm just going to go to schools and give inspirational speeches about our bodies. I'll just wear flowing dresses and talk way quieter than I can.

Be the most wonderful expression of you that you're capable of.

The sea change that has come is the information age. We don't have to just read The New York Times anymore. We can pull up something on the Internet and get any news that we like.

I wouldn't. I would just go home. I'd fake an injury or something.

If I had a picture of two handcuffed criminals being booked, I would cut the picture in half and get five bucks for each.