I'm a recovering optimist.

Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be, let me tell you. Honestly. Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The only way to avoid age discrimination in Hollywood is to die young.

I think the greatest imagination we can exercise is one that imagines how someone else feels. Because you know how you feel, but so often we attribute our own feelings on to someone else.

Today's audience knows more about what's on television than what's in life.

Contrary to popular belief, it's not the legs that go first; it's remembering the word for legs.

I write what I write and I honestly don't care if it gets on or not. I'm writing to see if I can find out some of what I think about any number of situations. I work it out in the writing.

We may be born equal but we're not equally talented.

Most jokes state a bitter truth.

Television is a weapon of mass distractrion.

You can take course after course of so-called theology and never hear the message at the heart of Christianity—the message of Jesus, which is indiscriminate love.

We sit on the kitchen exchanging these diabolical outgrowths of overfertile minds.

Arousal-control has been an issue for me since the beginning of my career.

The first time I did stand-up was on a dare.

Meditation is focused attention and the more we practise focusing our brains the more connections we build up.

As for murmurs, mother, we grumble a little now and then, to be sure; but there's no love lost between us.

Compassion leads to freedom of discovering your voice, your gifts, and your purpose.

If comedy duos don't like each other, it just won't work.

When you take a lot of cocaine powder you tend to take a lot of alcohol with it as well, so for many years really I never went out without at least four or five grams of cocaine powder.

I want a big house with a moat and dragons and a fort to keep people out.