I'm a stand-up comic. Anything else I do besides that is a plus, but stand-up comedy is what I do, it's what I've been doing and it's what I'm going to keep doing.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

Making hard decisions in life to accomplish the dreams, It requires a gut from within.

Death is the destiny of every man. Every man must know this to live wisely.

Kisses are a means to plant on another's lips a smile glossed with happiness.

I'm always careful about the thing I'm writing to make sure a viewer can imagine it happening to themselves.

Even in social life, it is persistency which attracts confidence, more than talents and accomplishments.

Liberty is the essential basis, the sine qua non, of morality.

The best hand always believes in playing by the rules.

Cunning cheats itself wholly, and other people partially.

People want the right to die at a time of their own choosing. Too many families have watched helplessly as a relative dies slowly, longing for death.