I'm a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

Quotes are for dumb people who can't think of something intelligent to say on their own.

Once a week, I like to slip into a deep existential depression where I lose all my sense of oneness and self-worth.

I love you just the way you are but you don't see you like I do. You shouldn't try so hard to be perfect. Trust me, perfect should try to be you.

I saw a giraffe with a short neck That was sad Or a deer

If Jesus can walk on water, can he swim on land?

Laughter is the best medicine, y'know, besides medicine.

Squaring numbers are just like women. If they're under thirteen, just do them in your head.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

Maybe life on earth could be heaven, doesn't just the thought of it make it worth a try?

Who hasn't walked through a life of small tragedies? 'Sister Sonja often asked me, as though to understand the depth and breadth of human suffering would be enough to pull me outside of my own.

The ability to forgive is one of man’s greatest achievements.

Throughout the day no time for memorandums now. Go ahead! Liberty and independence forever.

There is more power in unity than division.

We reject the use of national security letters to spy on citizens who are not suspected of a crime.

There are some forms of stupidity that one must be highly intelligent and educated to achieve.

The world is me and I am the world.

The politician is an acrobat. He keeps his balance by saying the opposite of what he does.

A just chastisement may benefit a man, though it seldom does; but an unjust one changes all his blood to gall.

People aren't things to be molded; they are lives to be unfolded. And that's what true leaders do. They unfold the lives of others and help them reach their God-given potential.