I'm a thief. I steal scenes, I steal opportunities. I am the ultimate thief. I got sticky fingers.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

Do something which arouses happiness in your own bones.

His father always treated him as if he were capable of great things. Which made him want to accomplish great things.

The best dancer is the one who isn’t even aware that she is dancing!

Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents gobble their food and tyrannize their teachers.

Computers are like Old Testament gods lots of rules and no mercy.

I'm the king of the 20th century. I'm the boogeyman, the villian, the black sheep of the family.

It's so embarrassing to receive an award for doing what you should be doing.

Football can generate excitement and bring people together.

I'm a bit famous now! It's a bit strange!

We boast our emancipation from many superstitions; but if we have broken any idols, it is through a transfer of idolatry.