I'm a weirdo that goes on stage to make strangers laugh, but if I wasn't working, I would just want to be with my wife and kids. I don't even think I'd want to go out to dinner.

The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

You wanna know how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

I talk kinda slow, especially for the Northeast, so it was a way to beat [would-be hecklers] to the punch.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

One of the benefits of eating salad is that you can eat tons of it and never be satisfied.

In the end, the type of parent you are is going to be something that you carry with you. ... Having multiple kids, it's been a gift in a way. It's keeping the priorities straighter.

It is error only, and not truth, that shrinks from inquiry.

Speak Life:You are loved.You have purpose.You are a masterpiece.You are wonderfully made.God has a great plan for you.

Science begs literature to develop wings.

I was wrenched awake at the tail-end of a stifled scream. I fought my way up from a deep dark dream. The scream had been mine.

It's much more important to be interested than to be interesting.

It is a heavy downpour of rain which drenches the soil to fullness; likewise only a profuse shower of love can overcome hatred.

I saw a lot when I was young. The first time I got arrested I was twelve years old.

I just couldn't stand school. If I went, I'd skip after the first class. I didn't like to be told I had to study and had to do homework. There's a fact that you have to want to learn.

Sometimes an answer not yet blowin' in the wind is stirring in the breeze.