I'm a woofer, not a tweeter; a writer, not a telegrapher; an essayist, not an aphorist.

Anytime I see someone blocking the aisle in the supermarket while talking on a phone, I want to ram that person with my shopping cart.

Mudslinging - In politics, anything bad the opponent says about our candidate; in contrast, when our candidate does this, it is called 'making a good point.

Warranty – A notice telling the buyer when the product that was just purchased will no longer function.

Self-Checkout Line – The place where customers of an establishment become unpaid employees of the establishment.

Grammar Checker – A software program that is not needed by those who know grammar and virtually useless for those who don’t.

Ignorance is relatively easy to cure

I like wearing my wedding ring, it's nice.

...because when people have seen you at their worst, you don't have to put on the mask as much.

Bad writing is bad not just because the language is humdrum, but the quality of the observation is so poor.

I just loved the feeling of flying. I could jump six feet bareback and it was the closest thing to being Pegasus and flying next to God. It's the most liberating freedom-making feeling in the world.

I doubt there's ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.

Man is always on the way.

The Democrat Party is a shrinking and dwindling hate group. That's literally what they've become.

I am driven by great work and seeing people do incredible things and having a part in that.