I'm a workaholic, only instead of working I like to drink liquor.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

How much blood will it take to make them stop? How many more children must die?

8. The Cat Who Lived in the PalaceThe cat who lived in the Palace had been awarded the head-dress of nobility and was called Lady Myobu.

I am prepared for the worst, but hope for the best.

Neither the chains of dictatorship nor the fetters of oppression can keep down the forces of freedom for long.

We are all carousers and loose women here; How unhappy we are together!

People who are interested in doing something will do it when it's convenient; people who are committed will do it no matter what.

A glass of wine often makes me a better man than hearing a sermon.

Never give up! it is wiser and betterAlways to hope, than once to despair.Fling off the load of Doubt's cankering fetter,And break the dark spell of tyrannical care.

Can’t you nudge her into submission? (Taryn) Are you kidding? As stubborn as she is? I’d fry my brain trying. (Sphinx)

Taint no law on earth dat kin make a man be decent if it aint in 'im.