I'm a worker. I like to work and I like to provide work for other people. I like to put people on my show who normally would never have a chance at being on television.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I have always held the old-fashioned opinion that the primary object of work of fiction should be to tell a story.

Experience is everything.

Everything is energy and that’s all there is to it.

And lo, between the sundawn and the sun His day's work and his night's work are undone: And lo, between the nightfall and the light, He is not, and none knoweth of such an one.

I hate to go to movies or watch a TV show and know the ending within 15 minutes.

Culture is religion incarnate.

The doorway to success cannot be opened with a key, but rather a combination

The books for young people say a great deal about the selection of Friends; it is because they really have nothing to say about Friends. They mean associates and confidants merely.

Asceticism and celibacy can conceal many incapacities.

It's definitely an influence, I mean how can you not say you are influenced to play rock.