I'm actually pretty good at tennis. Well, if I'm in the Special Olympics or something.

A Muslim allowed a topless Jew to sit on his camel. And we say we can't live side by side? I say we try and we can and we will. And you don't even have to be topless. L'chaim.

We usually have margaritas on Thursdays but since it's Tuesday I'll make an exception.

Even if times are tough and you're enduring a terrible heartache, it's important to focus your anger on a vibrator, not another person.

Laugh loudly, laugh often, and most important, laugh at yourself.

I can't be skinny all the time. I like to drink and I like to eat. I like burgers and bagels.

I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people.

I'm very much about letting other people shine, because it makes us all shine brighter.

You do not OWN a dog. You HAVE a dog. And the dog HAS YOU

There are no warning signs on the trampoline. The warning is the trampoline.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

No measure of time with you will be long enough, but we'll start with forever.

A writer looks at an issue and asks, 'What if this were to occur? Or what if that was thrown into the mix? What would that look like?

Behind all your stories is always your mother's story. Because hers is where yours begin.

Even people who don't believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

It's not a query of staying wholesome. It's a query of discovering a illness you want.

To be pleased with one's limits is a wretched state.

One has to make a decision when a condition is likely to degenerate if nothing is done.

The hallmark of a great captain is the ability to win the toss, at the right time.

I want to hit line droves. I want to hit my doubles, my singles, get on base.

Sir Andrew Ague-Cheek: I'll stay a month longer. I am a fellow o' the strangest mind i' the world; I delight in masques and revels sometimes altogether (He's an oddity in that he enjoys having fun)