I'm always kind of in my head thinking.

Telling me that I’m obsessed with talking about racism in America is like telling me I’m obsessed with swimming when I’m drowning.

I don't tie my shoes right. I tie them the way you would tie a gift, like a bow.

I am able to apply certain things to my craft that maybe other comedians don't, because I'm a devotee.

We've never had a female President in this country, which I find stunning

For years now, people have mentioned my mustache and get disappointed that when they see me live I don't have a mustache.

Another stupid thing I believed for a long time was that pizza was supposed to be said peed-za.

I don't look like a lot of fun. I just don't.

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.

I wrote a lot of poetry in the last two years of high school, all about the same girl I was in love with. That was pretty awful. Did you know that in poetry, every line does not need to rhyme?

the thing you are mostafraid to writewrite that-- advice to young writers

Never give up hope. If you do, you'll be dead already.--Dementia Patient, Rose from The Inspired Caregiver

I think I've had the fantasy of a ray-gun that could erase the world from the time I was a very little kid.

Photography is truth.

The Republican Party is the party of national security. There's hardly a national security wing of the Democratic Party anymore. So if we turn away from it, that'll be a big problem.

If you can't run with the big dogs, stay on the porch.

I love the tabloids except for when I'm in 'em. Especially with the stuff they wrote about Jessica and I - it's obviously not true.

Falsehoods border on truths.

On one side the government, the other side the mob.

The thing I longed for as a teenager is now an object of neglect and scorn. I've grown to hate my telephone.