I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I buried my fingers in her thick, silky hair. Her teeth brushed my neck, her scent filling my lungs, and I tightened my grip, growling against her ear. "Dream come true.

The guaranteed cure for heartbreak: find pain that’s much, much worse.

Despair is a cruel companion. It robs you of everything

Kinds hearts are here; yet would the tenderest one Have limits to its mercy; God has none.

We can rise above our limitations, only once we recognize them.

I don't understand how women can manage to get back in shape with a new baby and a job.

I hope all of us may eventually be together in everlasting peace and bliss -- except the inventor of the #‎ telephone .

Offer Christ your heart in meditation and personal prayer which is the foundation of the spiritual life.

The Rosary is my favorite prayer.

Never throw off the best affections of nature in the moment when they become most precious to their object; nor fear to extend you hand to save another, lest you should sink yourself.