I'm an environmentalist. Most of my jokes are recycled.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

The lack of conflict is precisely the cause of one of the biggest problems that meetings have: they are boring

the most charming thing about youth is the tenacity of its impressions.

Teaching and writing about philosophy is about the only thing I've ever been really good at.

History records no more gallant struggle than that of humanity against the truth.

Reconciliation with our enemies is simply a desire to better our condition, a weariness of war, or the fear of some unlucky thing from occurring.

No-one wants to grow up and be a Gary Neville.

It's really wonderful to work in an environment with a lot of smart people.

Everybody has to die, Firdaus. I will die, and you will die. The important thing is how to live until you die.

You can't see the future through a rearview mirror

If they don't go to law school, bright college graduates head to Wall Street precisely because they have no real plan for their careers.