I'm an incurable romantic. The essence of romance is an unshakable conviction that next time will be different.

Morning is wonderful. Its only drawback is that it comes at such an inconvenient time of day.

The man who counts on the aid of a god deserves the help he doesn't get.

Every ounce of my cynicism is supported by historical precedent.

There were dreams once upon a time, dreams now all but forgotten. On sad days I dust them off and fondle them nostalgically, with a patronizing wonder at the naivete of the youth who dreamed them.

There is no vengeance as terrible as the vengeance a coward plots in the dark of his heart.

Rich men have dreams. Poor men die to make them come true.

There are no self-proclaimed villains, only regiments of self-proclaimed saints. Victorious historians rule where good or evil lies.

My favorite sport is female and my favorite food is beer.

Soldiers live. He dies and not you, and you feel guilty, because you're glad he died, and not you. Soldiers live, and wonder why.

I'm a bad man. I need to understand the past. It illuminates the present.

Understand that nothing happensunless it is God's will anddo what you like.What can be simpler than that?

she committed suicide by putting her extremities down the garbage disposal-first one arm and then, kind of miraculously if you think about it, the other arm.

When I was a little boy, they called me a liar, but now that I'm a grown up, they call me a writer.

Once ESPN leaves you, and you don't have a foothold anywhere else, you're done. It's very hard to do anything else, because in some ways, they're the only game in town.

My mother was a high school arts teacher, so I was always surrounded by the arts

Eventually stardom is going to go away from me. It goes away from everybody and all you have in the end is to be able to look back and like the choices you made.

My social status in the last year has gone from zero to hero.

Goth Juice... The most powerful hairspray known to man. Made from the tears of Robert Smith.

That morning she pours Teacher's over my belly and licks it off. That afternoon she tries to jump out the window.

Never look at the trombones, it only encourages them.