I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

There are people who are very resourceful At being remorseful And who apparently feel that the best way to make friends Is to do something terrible and then make amends.

He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer than the staple of his argument.

The man of upright life is obeyed before he speaks.

Power is nothing without a rock solid core. Pilates is the key to activating it...guys don't be fooled just 'cause women do it. It's no joke. Try it and you'll find out real quick.

God is like us to this extent, that whatever in us is good is like God.

Before I was nine years old, I had been a socialist. When young, everyone is a socialist; later he becomes cleverer.

Take life with a pinch of salt A shot of tequila and a wedge of lime Do nothing at all But take your time

The author of Biographia Literaria was already a ruined man. Sometimes, however, to be a "ruined man" is itself a vocation.

I don't think it's government's job to find health care for people. I think it's the individual's job to find health care.

I like to quote things.