I'm aware that I should end a joke with the good part, I choose not too.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

Hard work make us strong behaviour and intentions makes us unique.

The bed has become a place of luxury to me! I would not exchange it for all the thrones in the world.

A source of innocent merriment! Of innocent merriment.

A disposition to preserve and an ability to improve taken together would be my standard of a statesman.

The idea that men are created free and equal is both true and misleading: men are created different they lose their social freedom and their individual autonomy in seeking to become like each other.

No one should be forced to carry the unfulfilled self of another.

I'll keep going until I get to the point where I can't get out on stage.

Don't ever wrestle with a pig. You'll both get dirty, but the pig will enjoy it.

Socialist ideology is making France go to pot, and the French language with it.

The truth isn't all things to all people all of the time.