I'm beginning to have morning sickness. I'm not having a baby, I'm just sick of morning.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Resolve to edge in a little reading every day, if it is but a single sentence. If you gain fifteen minutes a day, it will make itself felt at the end of the year.

Hast thou found out, Voltaire, that it is bliss to die, And does thy hideous smile over thy bleached bones fly?

You don't think it was because a white man wrote it, a black man wrote it, a green man wrote it. What-doesn't make a difference!

Is there nothing to sing about to-day? Then borrow a song from tomorrow; sing of what is yet to be. Is this world dreary? Then think of the next.

Never say that marriage has more of joy than pain.

I believe that perfection handicaps cinema.

Fools boast of what they will do. Heroes do it.

It is impossible for us to fail when we do our best when we are on the Lord's errand.

Although wisdom is built on life experiences, the mere accumulation of years guarantees nothing.

Innovation comes from people who take joy in their work.