I'm better than dirt. Well, most kinds of dirt, not that fancy store-bought dirt... I can't compete with that stuff.

Son, if you really want something in life, you have to work for it. Now quiet, they're about to announce the lottery numbers.

The scary thing about the future... there will be tiny cameras everywhere, and they'll be flying around like mosquitoes and drones. That will be bad. Drones are scary. You can't reason with a drone.

Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.

God often gives nuts to toothless people.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well ... all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky starts we don't live in Paraguay!

Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come.

You should listen to your heart, and not the voices in your head.

I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

We've got a bunch of new writers now who tell me they grew up watching The Simpsons. It's bizarre, and they're writing some very funny stuff.

Those who love dogs, know something about God.

Telling a story is like playing a fiddle. No one want's to hear it when it's done badly

I remember my mistakes more than my success.

For there is some danger of falling into a soft and effeminate Christianity, under the plea of a lofty and ethereal theology.

I no longer desire happiness: life is nobler than that.

Any day, any minute we bless God for our being or for anything, for food, for sunlight, we do and are what we were meant for, madefor--things that give and mean to give God glory.

I take it as a sign of intimacy and friendship when you feel comfortable enough with someone to have a little rough and tumble.

I'm not a huge comic book fan, but I'm a closet fan of certain Marvel heroes, two of those being Iron Man, and the other being Guardians of the Galaxy, which I'm looking forward to.

You cannot have strong leadership without passion.

To find rest unto our souls includes peace of mind and heart, which is the result of learning and following the doctrine of Christ.