I'm bringing back the skinny tie but wearing it tied around my balls.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Whatever you do needs a true you.

In 1919, at the Paris Peace Conference, Japan had put forward a proposal to guarantee racial equality at the League of Nations, but Woodrow Wilson overturned it in the face of majority support.

When you truly love God, you obey Him.

We're all entitled to a little stupidity now and then.

I carry an umbrella when I am outdoors and always wear sunscreen, even when I am sitting in front of a computer screen!

A key to everything is surrender - to really come before the Lord and say, 'I will literally stay here as long as you want me to stay' or 'God, I will really go anywhere on the earth.'

During the 1960 election, I saw Richard Nixon as the winner.

In the next ten years we will have to continue to make changes which will make the whole of this country a genuinely classless society.

One does not ask of one who suffers: What is your country and what is your religion? One merely says: You suffer, that is enough for me.

You have a choice. It may not be a choice you like, but it is still a choice.