I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing. There's no use doing it now, it doesn't fit anybody I know.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

I've tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, t'ai chi, feng shui and Deepak Chopra but I find straight gin works best.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

When does one become free from all tubers (of the mind)? When one becomes free of kashayas (anger-pride-deceit-greed). Kashays (anger-pride-deceit-greed) are tubers themselves.

I can't take another day of this.

It is better to be without a king than to have a bad one.

Got to die of something," Giraldi observed. "Might as well put back a few pints while you wait to see what it is.

In the beginning we must simplify the subject, thus unavoidably falsifying it, and later we must sophisticate away the falsely simple beginning.

This is like playing Russian roulette with a Luger rather than a revolver. One bullet, one chamber - and we're pulling the trigger.

I never know how to get off the phone, so I'm terribly admiring of people who can.

[European Union] a giant cartel that suits big multinationals.

My favourite film is 'Le Diner de Cons,' a French movie.

If you have waves of immigration, you better figure out a way to turn those immigrants into red-blooded Americans, or else you end up splintering the society.