I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Jesus girls! Wake up! If a guy wants to drain you of your energy, emotions, and life force he won’t sparkle in the sunshine, he’ll just marry you.

Follow your passion? Sure...but for most one needs to follow their passion after work and on weekends.

It is a science fact that some animals do dream.It'll someday lead them to places better than zoo.

One does not establish a dictatorship in order to safeguard a revolution

When you want this thing as bad as you want to breathe! That's when you find a way!

The most pressing and significant problems in the global economy are unsustainable structural issues with regard to the E.U. - fiscal deficits and the structure of the E.U. itself.

I spend most of my time reading non-fiction of all sorts. Then poetry. Then fiction to blurb. Then fiction I want to read.

In the present the eternal stays, the rest all drops out.

We're born with the desire, but we don't really know how to choose. We don't know what our taste is, and we don't know what we are seeing.

Darling, when things go wrong in life, you lift your chin, put on a ravishing smile, mix yourself a little cocktail.