I'm getting angry at liberals.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Home is not a place. Home is security, predictability, reliability, dependability, safety, permanence combined together.

This is because secrets are terrible things. Even the simplest ones

Boredom is... a vital problem for the moralist, since half the sins of mankind are caused by the fear of it.

Our God, our help in ages past,Our hope for years to come,Our shelter from the stormy blast,And our eternal home.

The key to Zeppelin's longevity has been change.

You may strive to be like them but seek not to make them like you. For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

Some scars never heal. And he sounds like he has a lot of them.' 'But Christ had scars too, even on His risen Body. Wounds in this life become glory in the next.

Guilt is a Jewish invention improved upon by Christians for the last two thousand years.

I wouldn't approach the issue of judging in the way the president does. Judges can't rely on what's in their heart. It's not the heart that compels conclusions in cases. It's the law.

It's probably unfair to expect the world at large, or even most people, to see us for all we are. It is essential, however, that we see ourselves for all we are.