I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

Memory marks the horizon of our consciousness, imagination its zenith.

Science cuts two ways, of course; its products can be used for both good and evil. But there's no turning back from science. The early warnings about technological dangers also come from science.

No day is so bad that it can not be fixed by a good nap.

The bearings of this observation lays in the application of it.

I believe philosophy must go to school with the poets; it's not either/or, it's not over or against.

True enlightenment is nothing but the nature of one's own self being fully realized.

If gold ruste, what shall iren do?

I have an animal friendly Bible.

Personally I like to believe that all become honest, the millennium is round the corner!

Most days of the year are unremarkable. They begin and they end with no lasting memory made in between. Most days have no impact on the course of a life.