I'm going to hell, ah... but you're laughing, so you're coming.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Not the fruit of experience, but experience itself, is the end.

We were not making war against Germany, we were being ordered about in the King's war with Germany.

Every philosophical review ought to be a philosophy of reviews at the same time.

The living are soft and yielding; the dead are rigid and stiff. Living plants are flexible and tender; the dead are brittle and dry.

If you can't feed 100 just feed ONE.

How come there's only one Monopolies Commission?

"Cool" Leo said. "I always wanted a sister who could beat me up."

Perhaps fishing is, for me, only an excuse to be near rivers.

All I know is, if we don't eat soon I'm going to chew off a limb. And I can't guarentee it'll be mine.