I'm going to win so much money this year, my caddie will make the top twenty money-winners list.

My swing is so bad I look like a caveman killing his lunch.

Pressure is playing for ten dollars when you don't have a dime in your pocket.

Golf is a game invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe.

You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

You're Mexican until you make money and then you're Spanish.

I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.

If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.

There are two things you can do with your head down - play golf and pray.

You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two bucks in your pocket.

I think it's always dangerous to make political arguments in a religiously ideological way. And it's very dangerous to treat as traitors to the American nation those who think differently.

i keep drinking the ink from my pen and i'm balancing history books up on my head but it all boils down to one quotable phrase if you love something give it away

A man does not recover from such devotion of the heart to such a woman! He ought not; he does not.

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.

They are the weakest-minded and the hardest-hearted men that most love change.

I value very much the time before the show, when there is nothing else but to concentrate on the show, and it's just purely design.

People ask me for my autograph after a show. I'm not famous, I think they're messing with me. I think they're trying to make me late for something.

If you really love one another, you will not be able to avoid making sacrifices.

All art is the tension, expressed between the uncontainable and its one perfect inevitable form.

You always enter God's hospital as a charity patient. You can't pay your way.