[ I'm] humorist, I guess. Or really more of a reporter. A reporter who reports on funny things.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

Laughing brains are more absorbent.

I like cold. I really like to go to cold towns. I love gray. I love winter.

There is no such thing as a peace of soul approach to religion. It makes of God a gigantic Bayer Aspirin; take God three times a day and you won't feel any pain.

We've got to convince our egos and our minds that if we want to live happy lives, love is more important than anything else!

All polishing is done by friction.

I don't think [Russell T Davies] sits up at night worrying about canonicity, except for the times when I'm pretty sure he does.

The [Elian] raid... was almost worth it, if only to watch Jesse Jackson...defending an armed pre-dawn raid by the US government on a minority household.

I want my poor value to exist past me, somewhere else.

Renunciation is the very basis upon which ethics stands.

Fear and greed tend to affect one's judgement.