I'm interested in doing some acting in the future, but it's a distant second to stand up.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

BE CAREFUL, OR BE ROADKILL!

Sometimes when I listen to fellow progressives, I wonder if the only lesson we took away from the '04 elections is that politics is a word game.

I just wanted to say one more thing: I also think that when you go to play music, you're there to play music.

The balance of private good and general welfare is at the bottom of civilized morals but the morals of the Heroic Age are founded on individuality, and on nothing else.

[Referring to Fourier's mathematical theory of the conduction of heat] ... Fourier's great mathematical poem.

I can't wait to ride my electric scooter, walk my dog, watch TV, be bored … and I'm gonna put [my Oscar] in my hand and kiss it every night before I go to sleep.

So Carlito think about this: all the apple-biting.

The three things that are most essential to achievement are common sense, hard work and stick-to-it-iv-ness.

So many other things for us to see, Things to be, Our history so full of tragedy and misery.

To go to bed after midnight is to go to bed betimes