I'm just going to keep doing comedy because I don't know what else to do. I have no other applicable skills.

Since I was 14. I grew up surfing. That's all I wanted to do.

Just start writing and you'll find what you want to say.

I grew up very Catholic. I wanted to be a priest.

People have said that to me: They say I have a TV face.

New York is a place that can grind you down and spit you out. A true New Yorker doesn't get ground down, he gets polished.

I've had a good run of birthdays, and now no one will notice when I die.

Paint yourself into a corner so that you don't have any other option but to continue forward.

I put so much energy into with improv. You can only perform it at a place where people are, essentially, taking improv classes so that they just appreciate what's happening.

Improv requires your audience to be informed about what improv is. With stand-up, anybody can sit down and watch stand-up and laugh at jokes.

It's so much harder to make a living off improv. Improv is so rarified and for such a specific audience.

Hate nobody

What was it with evildoers trying to hire my boyfriend as a mercenary?

The police have lost sight of the fact that they are public servants.

With Hitler it was all floating, without roots, intangible and mediumistic.

War is the mother of everything.

Tolerance of dissent is the hallmark of a mature party, and it is well past time for the Republican Party to grow up.

I can't remember the last time I looked at a Nirvana web site.

There is no value-judgment more important to a man--no factor more decisive in his psychological development and motivation--than the estimate he passes on himself.

Worse than a bloody hand is a hard heart.

I see men's judgments are A parcel of their fortunes; and things outward Do draw the inward quality after them, To suffer all alike.