I'm just very interested in what my guests have to say. You have to be vigilant to stay ignorant.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

The strongest force in our universe is not overriding power, but love.

I will rather be poor doing what I love, than to be rich hating what I do.

Logos are the bleating of the insecure, desperate for acceptance by the chronically shallow.

Alone on the terrace looking up at the stars I would not feel lonely. With him glued to the screen, I feel gutted...

There is something curiously boring about somebody else's happiness.

As the class struggle sharpens in the U.S. Marxism will come into its own as a great popular study.

Whenever I hit a ball in the gap, I'm thinking the extra bases. I never slow down. That's the only way you're going to get triples.

One of the things that most people aren't aware of when they think of the Civil War is the number of people and associated animals. (Armies) weren't mechanized. They had to rely on horses and mules.

I always wished to be a better planner. It seems more elegant, while my trial and error process is more akin to someone scratching an awful case of poison oak.

You shouldn't fear failure. You should fear succeeding at the wrong thing. I may fail, but I'm failing at the right thing.