I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

If you know the why, you can live any how.

When love is part of a game, it means nothing. When love is love, it means everything.

A full lifer doesn't commit to anyone until they've committed to her

Reach deep within, and reconnect with the essence of your being.

Without philosophy man cannot know what he makes without religion he cannot know why.

I think I deserve an apology.

Tyrants are always assassinated too late. That is their great excuse.

Bollocks have never frightened me. I'll eat a bollock any time.

The Internet works because a lot of people cooperate to do things together.

You don't approach a case with the philosophy of applying abstract justice-you go in to win