I'm like the master of ceremonies being funny, and then sometimes people you're with, girlfriends and stuff, are like, 'God I wish I had the person on stage to be with all the time.'

Whiskey will always be a part of my life.

Vegas means comedy, tragedy, happiness and sadness all at the same time.

The point of drinking in moderation is that sometimes you don't drink in moderation.

If Mike Tyson was the voice of your GPS, would you ever not use it?

Don't do drugs to be cool, do 'em because you hate yourself.

I've never been swimming, and that's because it's never been more than half an hour since I last ate.

I'm the type of guy where one thing leads to another and eventually it gets awful. If I put a $5 bet on a roulette table tonight at 10 o'clock, by tomorrow at noon I would be running guns to Cuba.

At the Mirage Sportsbook, you can get a line on 2 kid playing wiffleball in the backyard in Minnesota

Hugs are great, but - better than drugs? Come on. Let me put it to you this way: I never drove to Harlem at 4 a.m. to get somebody to hug me.

Well I have a drug history and a public drinking problem and I am not the healthiest guy. So they just ran that I died of a drug overdose.

The Perfect Man uses his mind like a mirror - going after nothing, welcoming nothing, responding but not storing.

Perhaps I am just a coward who loves to laugh at life better than I do cry with it. But when I do get to crying, boy, I can roll a mean tear.

It will be interesting to find out something about her that no one else knew.

The liar suffers twice: he neither believes nor is believed.

In fact the Hillary [Clinton] convention which did very well but not nearly as well as mine, in all fairness, would've gotten one-third the ratings they got if I weren't.

The nurses at the hospital tried to soothe me, and they even tried unsuccessfully at one point to return me to Americans.

What you choose to do professionally is a reflection of yourself and I take that seriously as an actor. But even as a filmmaker, I take it even more seriously.

People cry at weddings for the same reason they cry at happy endings: because they so desperately want to believe in something they know is not credible.

Be patient with your boaters and let them rant. Most of them will get over it come December.

I'm always trying to do something different and trying to keep myself amused.