I'm lucky I'm a comedian, 'cause otherwise my life would just be a series of undocumented low points.

I'm not on this earth to be a goalie. I'm not here to stop somebody from accomplishing their goals. If you're not hurting anybody, I'm here to either assist or get out of the way

I eat the same way Doc Brown fuels the DeLorean at the end of Back to the Future.

It's a Vietnamese soup that answers the question, 'What happens when a former child soldier pours hot rain water over fish nightmares.' It's delicious and I can't stop eating it, that's what happens.

I was raised Catholic in the Midwest, so I cant enjoy anything.

What is there to say about ChUC other than it's a comedy show done the right way in the right space. Fantastic comics, welcoming audience. Always great.

I am somehow allowed by the universe to do exactly what I want to do to make a living.

Sometimes your dreams come true, and its a real drag.

The time that I have on this earth should just be filled with good times.

Comedy doesn't have to be loud and obnoxious and beat you over the head. It can be this really small detail that, when it computes in your brain, you think, "That's great. That's masterful."

Young writers take themselves very seriously in college.

Most of the time things against nature are scarier than the scariest things of nature

The best way to acquire wisdom is by perceptual realization.

I perceived how that it was impossible to establish the lay people in any truth except the Scripture were plainly laid before their eyes in their mother tongue.

And I certainly don’t like the white supremacists and those whose religion is hating the Jews, period.

The holidays are also a time when people freak out about their finances. If you don't want to spend the money, why not try some of the other options instead of killing a bunch of animals?

It is a long established principle of the Church never to completely drop from her public worship any ceremony, object or prayer which once occupied a place in that worship.

Respect my trendsetting abilities. Once that happens, everyone wins.

It's either hip or it ain't.

A hotter, moister atmosphere is an atmosphere primed to trigger disasters.

Cast a cold eye on life, on death Horseman pass by