I'm more American than apple pie. I'm like apple pie, with a hot dog in it.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

We live in our tales of ourselves, she thought, and ignore as best we can the contradictions, and the lapses, and the abrasions of plot against our mortal souls...

When you're young you think you know it all, when you're old you wish you could remember it all.

Things happen for a reason, and the only thing you can do is at night time get on your knees and ask God for forgiveness for anything that you did that you didn't feel was right.

We've all got to look at ourselves, start with yourself, that's all you can do. I believe that we can act responsibly as a group, it's just that there are vested interests telling us not to bother.

I've just swum the length of the Thames. I feel quite tired.

I was brought up with a lot of love in my family, and I've always been supported. My family has always protected me in a sort of manic way.

I just look back on my season [2004] as a year where I've had to prove myself. I've had to fight all the way through to the end.

If long hitting is the thing that causes the spectators to whistle through their teeth in wonderment, why not play tournaments up and down an expansive stadium?

There is nothing colder than a Christian who does not seek to save others.

I think a lot of people are drawn to seeing people that want to be better. We see it in ourselves.