I'm nice with damn kids, man. Kids love me. I can bounce back and forth. I can discipline kids and I can get into the mind of a kid.

I thought 'Pineapple Express' was hilarious.

Remember Tupperware? That was the toughest stuff ever. Why can't they make a phone out of Tupperware?

When you're babysitting a kid, all you're seeing is a version of them, a small dosage.

I am the comedy version of ambidextrous. I'm working with my left and right hand. I'm the two-sided coin. I'm all of those metaphors you can think of. I'm the interracial couple. I'm BET and CBS.

You're trying to make someone wet their pants and you're trying to make somebody crap in their pants. That's the motivation of a comic. Who else has that power?

All you wanna do in life is do what you do well. That's when you're happiest.

You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.

You ever taste some damn chicken so horrible, that you wished the chicken would show up at your house and show your lady how to cook him?

Man, you can come see me six or seven times in a row and you'll never see the same show twice, because I don't like to be robotic onstage. I like to perform for that particular audience.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

To the immature, other people are not real.

It is impossible to believe anything into existence. The Gospel did not come into being because men believed it . . .The fact always precedes the faith.

Happiness does not come from receiving

No matter where I've been overseas, the food stinks, except in Italy.

The pursuit of knowledge is, I think, mainly actuated by love of power. And so are all advances in scientific technique.

I don't remember ever having finished a book.

It seems that so much writing is being done in the nineteenth-century model, where every connection has to be thoroughly explained.

Ah, if only the best place for storing embryonic stem cells was Yucca Flat.

A Christian must always be kind, gracious, and wise in order to conquer evil by good.

Pride dwells in the thought; the tongue can have but a very little share in it.