I'm no alcoholic. I'm a drunkard. There's a difference. A drunkard doesn't like to go to meetings.

One of these days... One of these days... Pow! Right in the kisser!

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it.

Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable.

Sometimes the feeling that life is great just swells up inside you and fills you with joy.

Drinking removes warts and pimples. Not from me. But from those I look at.

A lot of people say, 'Well, I like a challenge. 'I don't like challenges. Life is tough enough without any challenges.

Does God have a sense of humor? He must have if He created us.

Golf and women are a lot alike. You know you are not going to wind up with anything but grief, but you can't resist the impulse.

Obviously a deer on the fairway has seen you tee off before and knows that the safest place to be when you play is right down the middle.

Our life today is a history of tomorrow.

I watched as she added a question mark at the end. Arc, line, space, dot.

When you are not happy with your life, always think that someone is happy simply because you exist

The most mature human insight comes from one's introspection rather than from exterior research.

Mathematics is a dangerous profession; an appreciable proportion of us go mad.

The more prohibitions you have, the less virtuous people will be. Try to make people moral, and you lay the groundwork for vice.

Some people have jobs where other people don’t clap for them. I don’t understand that.

We all think we're going to get out of debt.

Empirical interest will be in the facts so far as they are relevant to the solution of these problems.