I'm no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Teenagers can spot hypocrisy a mile away and here I was telling them how to cope when they witnessed the shambles of my own life and how I was living.

Learning how to recognize and act on your Inner Knowing is the greatest tool for discovering what's important now by living in the present.

The laughers are a majority.

Something of great importance now past is inferior to something of little importance now present, in that the latter is a reality, and related to the former as something to nothing.

I think we have a tendency in America to keep dividing ourselves, separating ourselves from each other.

Those who devote their lives to earning a living are incapable of living a human existence.

All human beings have the capability of doing what they want, what they're attracted to.

The book. Calming object. Held in the hand.

Foreign aid is important. If it's done right, it spreads America's influence around the world in a positive way.

My parents both worked full time. I remember a lot of simple meals. Everything I know about cooking is self-schooled.