I'm not a big baseball fan, to be honest.

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

Thank you, people who say 'Wow, you're really photogenic,' for not saying what you really mean: 'Wow, you're really ugly in person.'

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

In New York, there are so many potholes, they're like craters on the moon. That's another traffic thing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

I know what you want. And I know what you need. But I'm gonna screw it up, yeah, cause I'm an idiot. And I'm your boyfriend.

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

It always does seem to me that I am doing more work than I should do. It is not that I object to work

After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known quotations.

A handful of lion-hearts can wake the whole world up.

I'm somebody who believes in funny things, and laughing, but I do like for them to come from a place that addresses the human condition.

I have a Father's Day every day

After I convinced them that I was a harmless novelist, I actually got them to give me a tour of the harem - which is usually off limits for tourists.

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.

Vladimir Putin is a war criminal.

Intuitive listening requires us to still our minds until the beauty of things older than our minds can find us.

When travelling, dress as comfortably as possible and don't have expectations of everything going perfectly.