I'm not a fan of facts. You see, the facts can change, but my opinion will never change, no matter what the facts are.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Hell is full of musical amateurs: music is the brandy of the damned. May not one lost soul be permitted to abstain?

There is no me. I do not exist. There used to be a me, but I had it surgically removed

Too close a view may interfere with one's grasp of an overall problem or concept.

I do like Peyton Manning. I mean, you can't lose with a guy like that - especially with the amount of touchdowns he's been able to produce.

Among precautions against ambition, it may not be amiss to take precautions against our own. I must fairly say, I dread our own power and our own ambition: I dread our being too much dreaded.

I really can't say what inspires me the most, because I'm inspired by just about everything. My feelings and relationships, my family, Scooby-Doo. Opinion of my work. Everything. Not just one thing.

The cure for cynicism is simply to engage honestly.

Before death overpowers us, we have great things to accomplish by performing right actions.

Devil, you've got me all in a whirl. I'm wise to your game.

Well, I'm not saying that an emissions tax is ever going to be good policy.