I'm not a fan of the facts. Facts change; my opinion never does.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

It would be a very short pint. It would be gummy bears and matzah, and be called Chewy Jewy.

I'm a satirist, so I've got boxing gloves on if the person is worthy of satire. But I'm not an assassin.

This is America. We must defend the principles symbolized by Lady Liberty - unless she's on the pill, in which case, she is a giant green tramp.

Don't cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it'll be free yogurt.

An apple a day keeps anyone away, if you throw it hard enough.

Contrary to what people may say, there's no upper limit to stupidity.

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Life did not take over the world by combat, but by networking.

It is difficult to make a reputation, but is even more difficult seriously to mar a reputation once properly made --- so faithful is the public.

There is no excess of goodness. You cannot go too far in the right direction.

Really the moment I decided I wanted to do art seriously, I left art school. I wanted to be with people who were interested in the same things I was: popular culture.

A race track is a place where windows clean people.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

If you asked central casting in Hollywood for somebody to play the role of President, they'd send you John Connally.

Every apathetic individual is a brick in a tyrant's throne.

If a woman decides she likes me, it would behoove her to take into consideration that my art has had a strong influence on the type of person I am.