I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

Suicidal glory is the luxury of the irresponsible.

Faith means faithfulness to God.

Happiness is the best revenge

We only have one life and two choices: sadness and regret for a past we cannot change or happiness for every moment we can choose how to live.

The most enthusiastic man in a cause is rarely chosen as the leader.

We didn't start the fire It was always burning Since the world's been turning We didn't start the fire No we didn't light it But we tried to fight it

So slowly in my mind formed the idea of melodrama, a form I found to perfection in American pictures. They were naive, they were that something completely different. They were completely Art-less.

You might be a redneck if you're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.

Marriage is the best state for man in general, and every man is a worst man in proportion to the level he is unfit for marriage.

Prayer will never do our work for us; what it will do is to strengthen us for work which must be done.