I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not. So it's hard for me to come up with things, because I don't write stuff, I don't write my act down.

All the candy corn that was ever made was made in 1911.

MTV is to music as KFC is to chicken!

I like coffee because it gives me the illusion that I might be awake.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for, 'I'm running for president.'

Elected officials shouldn’t get to choose who gets to choose elected officials.

If a group of people - leaders - can convince a group of folk who barely have a pot to piss in that the rich shouldn't be taxed-- THAT is leadership!

When it comes to idiots, America's got more than its fair share. If idiots were energy, it would be a source that would never run out.

You can never put too much pork in your mouth as far as I'm concerned.

What I find most disturbing about Valentine's Day is, look, I get that you have to have a holiday of love, but in the height of flu season, it makes no sense.

It sounded like walls tumbling, liberty bells chiming, government buildings being stormed.It sounded like a revolution.It sounded like hope.

The thing that I’m most likely to collapse under is not the weight of the stresses that stand around me, but the ego that sits within me.

Refuse to worry. Cast your anxiety upon the Lord. He cares for you.

Sometimes I wake up in the morning and feel like going straight back to bed. But I still have to get up and work, and I still have to take advantage of the chances I've been given in life.

Very often, all the activity of the human mind is directed not in revealing the truth, but in hiding the truth

Beethoven and Liszt have contributed to the advent of long hair.

I dont think Sugar Man is a music doc any more than The Social Network is about computers. It just happens to have the best soundtrack ever.

Don't you know that you're blowing my mind? What you do to me I can't describe. Baby, I can't hold back anymore. I just can't conceal it. You're the one I really adore.

Act as if success is certain.

As Camille Paglia's success has demonstrated, what is most marketable is absolutism and attitude undiluted by thought.