I'm not a political comedian. That's just not what I do.

When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't.

The greatest thing about having a child is putting yourself second in your own life. It's a massive gift to be able to say you're not the most important person to yourself.

I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.

I have a lot of beliefs... and I live by none of them...

My kids used to love math. Now it makes them cry. Thanks standardized testing and common core!

When you have bacon in your mouth, it doesn't matter who's president.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime. Leave the dude alone and he'll figure it out.

Everything is amazing and nobody is happy

What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

One thing I learned from drinking is that if you ever go Christmas caroling, you should go with a group of people. And also go in mid-December.

Believing happiness to be in the eternal thing is called the enlightened vision (samkit).

Watch out, every day miraculous encounter with you and God!

The passing clouds outside the window form the perfect backdrop for wavering frames I see moving inside my mind.

The curfew tolls the knell of parting day The lowing herd winds slowly o'er the lea The ploughman homeward plods his weary way And leaves the world to darkness and to me.

I think the best way I could ever fight racism is just being as successful as possible.

Not what we experience, but how we perceive what we experience, determines our fate.

Whenever you define who you are, you limit yourself to what you may potentially be.

For me, success is being able to give back to your friends, your family, your community, those in need and the world entire.

Do we always grind through the present, doomed to throw a gold haze of fond retrospect over the past?

You can’t change the mind with the mind alone, or we’d all be enlightened