I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

What are you doing?" she whispered. He wasn't sure why she was whispering, but he kept his voice just as low. "I want to taste you.

An unexpected Blessing is an answer to a Prayer said, trusting that God will get to it, no matter how long it takes.

JACKSON: When I’m in I’m all in.....

A wedding is a funeral where you smell your own flowers.

I eat, sleep and breathe training.

It's hard to believe that you're really here, so I just pretend that you're not here.

Confrontation simply means meeting the truth head-on.

It is one of the ironies of biographical art that some details are more relevant than others, and many details have no relevance at all.

A great deal of talent is lost to the world for want of a little courage.

As a member of an escorted tour, you don't even have to know the Matterhorn isn't a tuba.