I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

There never were two opinions alike in all the world no more than two hours or two grains: the most universal quality is diversity.

Hell has been described as a pocket edition of Chicago.

All business proceeds on beliefs, or judgments of probabilities, and not on certainties.

The game's in the refrigerator, the door's closed, the light's out, the eggs are cooling, the butter's getting hard and the Jell-O's jiggling.

We cannot go on fiddling while the earth's wild places burn.

I am lucky enough to be married to a guy who tells me I look beautiful every day.

There is a difference between solitude and isolation. One is connected and one isn't. Solitude replenishes, isolation diminishes.

The world is a stage, the stage is a world of entertainment.

Staid middle age loves the hurricane passions of opera.

I've entered the world of wine without any professional training, but a definite appetite for good bottles.