I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Get high on love, not drugs.

Wasn't that the way of the world, though? Only the strong survived, and the weak perished.

Weeded and worn the ancient thatch Upon the lonely moated grange.

I heard the spring light whisper Above the dancing stream, The world is made forever in likeness of a dream.

The arts can be a great way to bring people together. I don't preach from the stage. I try to stay positive on solutions.

To me, the object of practicing is to allow you to play what you hear. But you're always hearing new things, so you never get to the end of it.

The most brilliant idea, with no execution, is worth $20. The most brilliant idea takes great execution to be worth $20,000,000.

Every Iraqi would I know would rather have Saddam back... I mean like... that does not even take rocket science.

You don't need everyone to help you. You just need one touch of favor, and you will accomplish in a split second what could have taken your whole lifetime.

On a huge hill, Cragged, and steep, Truth stands, and hee that will Reach her, about must, and about must goo.