I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals. I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.

I'm not an athiest. How can you not believe in something that doesn't exist? That's way too convoluted for me.

I am as frustrated with society as a pyromaniac in a petrified forest.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Plant trees. They give us two of the most crucial elements for our survival: oxygen and books.

The past actually happened. History is what someone took the time to write down.

The very fact that the jaguar can become extinct while the Pekingese survives indicates to me that someone hasn't thought this thing through.

A group of white South Africans recently killed a black lawyer because he was black. That was wrong. They should have killed him because he was a lawyer.

Any good history book is mainly just a long list of mistakes, complete with names and dates. It's very embarrassing.

The Baptists' basic theology is that if you hold someone under water long enough, he'll come around to your way of thinking. It's a ritual known as 'Bobbing for Baptists.'

MacMillian groaned again, and sat up. "Clients?""Yeah. You know, people who'll give us money in exchange for work.

Is there such a thing as a technically perfect swing? If there is, I have yet to see it.

I don't think radio has to be sectioned off where you listen to the music for your generation and your son listens to the music for his generation.

Without a doubt, at the center of the New Testament there stands the Cross, which receives its interpretation from the Resurrection.

I learned that the Holy Water better be fresh, that I need practice throwing the spheres, and that someone has to watch my back so asshats don't steal my demons.

If you believe something enough, it comes true eventually, and that's so true even with lies. If you tell yourself a lie, after a few years you'll think it's true.

Those who say that we're in a time when there are no heroes, they just don't know where to look.

A lot of times I play a fat woman with cats who has no boyfriends. And in real life, I'm allergic to cats and I've had a boyfriend since college.

To believe in yourself and to follow your dreams... This is success!

The opposite of love is indifference, and the opposite of happiness is boredom.